Thursday, April 29, 2010
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no one has to read this i just need somewhere to go and complain. (like always.) recently, i've been just really bipolar-ish? i have a really great day one day, then the next, all i want to do is cry. i'm never encouraged anymore. i was just recently in a show at church called "anonymous." i think its the best message we've ever put out there... and so relevant to what my life is like. my best friend is the popular, beautiful, perfect girl that gets all the guys. and what am i? the goofy, funny, "happy all the time" best friend kind of girl. i'm tired of living in her shadow. i've known some people for almost 10 years now, and she meets them and in 2 weeks everyone loves her, and likes her as a person more than me. as incredibly selfish and awful this is, i wish people wouldn't shove themselves up her ass so much. what makes her so much better than me in the first place? i was told recently that "i'm always in a bad mood," and you know what? he was right. i feel completely inadequate to my peers sometimes, and i feel as if people only talk to me, becuase i have a gorgeous best friend, i can sing, or they feel sorry for me. i never used to feel this way, and don't get me wrong. this girl is amazing, i love her with every fiber of my being, i just hate how i feel that i will never measure up. alot has been on my mind recently, and i've been starting to believe that God has completely forgotten about me, if he's even up there at all. and i know he is, or i wouldn't have ever made it this far in my life. but i've had alot of struggles with that recently.. like is God there? does he hear and see me when i cry? last week at youth group, was the most amazing night for me. i finally felt the presense of God all around me. and i sobbed. not just the little welling in your eyes, but completely cried all my make up off. but yet.. i still feel like if i just dissapeared for a while, no one would even notice. i need a vacation, just a time for me to take the car, and drive to the middle of no where, sit in silence and just cry. and then blast the mulan soundtrack on the way home. well, maybe not, but whatever. i'm just tired of not feeling good enough, and the show helped me realize this a little bit more... but i'm still not entirely sure of why God placed me here yet. sorry i'm always such a downer. probably another reason why people don't like me as much as they like my perfect bestfriend. whateva, thanks for listening.
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Missy, I love you to pieces, and I would definately notice if you dissapeared. a lot of people would. you don't understand how blown away people were by you during the show. and i'm not just saying that...people actually talked to me. you don't need to measure up to anyone or anything. It can be hard to accept ourselves as we are, especially when we have a best friend that gets a lot of attention, but it can be done. be happy in your own skin. you're unique and anyone who tries to compare you to your friend or puts you in the shadow of her is wrong. your friend is probably a "people person" and has natural chemistry with people but dont let that bother you. im not naturally like that but if i make an effort to build relationships with people it usually works out and makes me happy. just enjoy your best friend and try to not care what people think.
ReplyDeleteGirl, you're amazing no matter if you see it or not! I know its so easy to be self critical- I take the cake on that! You seriously have no idea what people, and what God for that matter, really thinks about you until it is revealed. Unlike people, you can seek God out and really see how he feels about you by digging deep into Scripture. As cheesy and cliche as it sounds, it has helped me through a lot of hard times. On a human level, just know that I think the world of you. I'm always happy to see you at Youth Group, you crack me up, and I am so jealous of your amazing talent. Its amazing that you use that to further His Kingdom. You're an inspiration whether you believe it or not! And beautiful!!
ReplyDeleteFor now, here's a few verses that blow my mind.
Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.
-Ephesians 3:4-5
you guys are so encouraging. Love you both, thank you for being good friends to me.
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