weeekend!

so glad it's the weekend! i haven't blogged in a while. sowwy. i love coming on here after not being on for a while and reading everyone's posts. so fun :) okay so anyway, THE WEEKND IS HERE! i am so happy. but guess what. it's cold. why does the weather tease me? i just found all my spring clothes in the back fo my closet, and put them in the front, and now it's supposed to snow tonight? ew. oh well. i wish the snow would wait until sunday AFTER churchy. so i can still get some Jesus time, but i will not have school :) but the snow doesn't listen to what i want. oh well.
okay so does anyone remember that song "cry me a river" by justin timberlake? awesome. yeah, i've been listening to it alot recently. it fits perfectly with my view on boys these days :) because most boys on this planet earth are dumb. and i am very bitter about it! i want to find a boy like the boys in the movies. like, the notebook. and dear john. i saw the preview last night and pretty much started crying. especially since i was already watching the notebook. i don't know why i'm so bitter. oh yes i do. because every guy i've ever been involved with, has made it harder and harder for me to believe someone better is out there. it's almost like, it's getting worse. and i blame everything on myself. like, there's gotta be something wrong with me, or i would be happier in this area. or maybe it's cause i'm only 15 years old, and i need to shut up and live my teenage years. and that's what i'm going to do. alright well i don't want to sound like a debbie downer, so i'll just go now.
no just kidding i have more to say. i wish i could know what my dreams mean. i have the wierdest ones, and 80% of the time, they come true. eventually. they really do. besides the ones of me dying or me finding my husband in less than 5 minutes. but the wierd ones, i'll have them and then 2 days later, an event that is soooooooo similar happens. i think i'm psychic. most people don't believe that kinda stuff but whooo cares. not me! but anyway, the dream i had last night was awful. and i hope it doesn't come true. but most times when they're awful, they happen eventually. ew. i hope not this time.
well i hope everyone has a splendid weekend!

oh goodness.

so, i'm mentally preparing myself for a week from hell. yes. today is the day our choreographer comes from new york. he is going to be watching us in less than 3 hours. a direct quote from my friend jenny, "last year antwon made every single girl cry, but don't worry!!" don't worry?! how can i not? not only am i worried about myself messing up, i'm worried about my friends. i don't want anyone getting hurt or upset. i'm trying to make myslef laugh and i'm praying he'll be in a good mood. BUT since he has been with the mixed choir since 12, and right after they leave, the girls choir immediately goes to the stage, (which means he'll probably already be in a bad mood), i am TERRIFIED right now. yes, this is antwon. i hope that he looks intimidating. because HE IS. i'm too scared. well, wish me luck. please. & pray. please. alot. a loootttt.

remembering :)

this is my dog, Cali. He went to heaven on September 14, 2009 at the age of 6. (He would have turned 7 on October 3rd!!) Not a day goes by that I don't think about him, but when I used to think about it, I would cry. It broke my heart into a million pieces. Now when I think of him, I laugh because I'm finally at peace. Most people don't understand how someone can get so attached to a dog, but this dog was special. he was my best friend. it sounds dumb, but i don't care. Cali (yes, he's a boy. I named him when i was young and stupid!) was always there for me when I needed someone. He was the only person I could go and cry to when I just wanted someone to listen to me. Of course we all know dogs can't talk back, so that made it easier too. But he listened. and i could just lay and cuddle with him for hours, take him on long walks all around my neighborhood, and he slept by me every night. when Cali died, i didn't ever want another dog again. I told my parents they would have to wait til I moved out if they ever wanted another one. then on new years eve, i went to a church with my friends and went to the new years eve service. it was then that i realized i didn't have to cry anymore, Cali wanted me to be happy. I still cry sometimes, but only cause I just miss him. But now, we have a new member to our family.

this is Charlie. yep, charlie brown. cute huh? :) yeah he's alright. haha jusst kidding, he's an angel. seriously, he saved us. though he poops on the floor everyday and he barks at squirrels in the back yard, he's awesome. and he's a real sweetheart too. some of the things he does reminds me of cali, but he's deffinetly his own puppy. he has his own... unique.. personality. and i love him dearly. he likes to bite anything in the general vecinity of his face, and sometimes i think he's deaf, but i can't stay mad at him for more than 5 seconds cause he's just so darn cute! and he will sit in my lap for hours and watch movies with me. he barks at the most random things. thought i'd add a littttle video haha :)

well i love him and his craziness. and i still love Cali. Sometimes i'd like to think Cali was reincarnated into Charlie. ha but that's crazy! <3

i just

have nothing to say. it's been an icky couple of days but i'm thankful for the weekend. i just need to try to think positively. i don't know really how to explain whats going on cause i don't even know what's wrong with me. hopefully it's just being a teenager. i'm trying to smile and go around like nothings ever wrong but blaaah. something is always wrong. it's times like these where i just should sleep. and not wake up for a long, long time.

goood day!

well hello :) today was absolutely wonderful. the weather was PERFECT. it feels like spring, which is my favorite time of year. today for school, i wore sweatpants and a tshirt, no make up. it was wonderful. in biology we got to watch bill nye the science guy, which was hilair. the day proceeded on, and i had to stay after for showchoir practice. which was actually fun :) today we practiced with the band, yikes. but i was in such a good mood, it was fun. as long as that girl doesn't hit me in the face again, life will be awesome! i took charlie for a walk today once i got home, since it was so nice out. i don't think he enjoyed it as much as i did though, since i used a pink leash for him. sorry. we watched the sunset together in a field near my house :) well i hope everyday this week is as beautiful and great as today!

quiet days.

today was a very chill day. i woke up, made breakfast for me and my mom, and watched the phantom of the opera with my puppy. charlie loves to hear people sing (thank goodness) so he enjoyed it almost as much as i did. i want to sing opera one day... anyway. me and charlie went outside for a while today. i actually got to put capris on a tshirt on, it was so lovely out today. but i think this weather is just teasing us. but i don't mind :) i looked through alot of old pictures i found in my mom's room. how wierd it is to see how much i've grown up, and changed so drastically.

when i was 3 i looked like this. a sweet, innocent little girl. i had no cares in my life, except for making sure i didn't miss an episode of rugrats. nowadays, i have to worry about my clothes, my hair, the way i talk to people, the way i present myself, my make up, school, church, friends, family, and everything in between. all the time i wish to be older and grown up, and i am so excited about finding my husband, going to college, and fulfilling all my dreams. but then i sometimes wish i could go back to being a child for just a day. just to feel no stress, and no worries and no pressure. BUT that can't happen. so i'll just keep growing up and developing into a better woman of God. or atleast i'm trying.

anyway, i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i have 3 projects due, and i haven't finished any of them. life's great.

weekends over.

well technically, but tomorrow theres no school (thanks martin luther king jr<3) umm. weekend was interesting. friday made a huge mistake with my hair, hahah but after 5 hours in the salon it's all better :) saturday night i went to an amazing worship service at my friends church, awesome experience. today i went to sunday school and made new friends. i went to lunch with daddy and we got chipotle and starbucks. we are currently watching the cowboys game, and i'm HOLDING BACK TEARS. oh well. anyway, i'll have more exciting things to say tomorrow. bye :)

lots of things on my mind.

so i didn't post anything yesterday, but long story short, i had a great day :) and stephen's lesson was nice. and the game was wierd, as always :)


anyway, today started out great. i drove to school and got A's on all the quizzes i took yesterday, awesome. but then i went to chorus, and my mood changed completely. we didn't practice our show, instead, we were presented with awful news. a friend of mine, logan (18), was put in the hospital for the 5th time last night, because of a brain tumor. supposedly, he's undergoing brain surgery tonight to see if they can remove it. when i heard this news, immediately half the room was in tears. he was a senior last year, and is a good friend and role model of mine. he's only 18 years old, and if this surgery doesn't work out properly... the consequences are not good. my teacher was in tears, and told us to keep him in our prayers, but then someone suggested a prayer circle. we all held hands and prayed for 15 minutes straight. everyone was crying, and calling out to God, even the non-christians. it was incredible. for the first time EVER, we were all a family. we called logan and told him we loved him, and wished him luck and prayers and his surgery will be happening soon. pllleeeease pray for my friend, he's only 18 and he's very important to my whole showchoir family. i know God has a plan for logan, and his plans aren't finished yet. we all know that.


on a lighter note, once i came home and spent some time with the puppy, i felt a little better. we drank tea and watched 8 mile together :) haha, i know - wierd. charlie's only 7 weeks old, and he's fulll time job. but i love him. even though he poops on the floor. and he loves eminem. as do i. he actually sat and watched the movie for about 5 minutes straight, and barked at the tv when eminem's character was getting beaten up. so cute.



more things on my mind? of course. but it's boring and complex and i'm tired of typing.

venting.

well today was just not a good day. and i need a place to just express my thoughts. so i guess that's what this blog is for... ANYWAY.

so today my alarm clock never went off, i missed the bus, i had no time to get ready or do anything to my hair, i had to catch a ride with a neighbor who i haven't spoken to months (but it's fine, it was nice), i got a C on a biology quiz, my spanish teacher was having a spanish rant today and was yelling at everyone, my phone went off twice in health and i almost got it taken away, i forgot my lunch money, and while we were practicing in chorus for our upcoming showchoir competitions, i started to notice how much tension was in the room. there are literally behind the scenes catfights going on, and not only is it immature, but it's stupid. people who were best friends at the beginning of the year are starting to turn against eachother. and as i sat to watch a group, i noticed myself getting angry. angry that some girls STILL don't know their placements and choreography though we learned all of that 5 months ago. angry because i feel as if my chorus teacher was a bit too nice while she picked some of these girls. angry that during the practices, i kept looking at myself in the mirror and getting angry at myself. not only was i being a judgemental jerk to these girls, my friends, but i couldn't even handle watching myself. what does this say? i feel like i'm the most judgemental, bipolar person and i'm a hypocrite. it's sad, but that's the way i feel. i went home and started to play with the new puppy, and he pooped on the floor RIGHT after i brought him inside. when my mom finally got home, she told me i looked like crap and yelled at me for having a purple streak in the under part of my hair. sorry dude, but it's my hair. i'm gonna do what i want with it. sorry?.. today was just a really crappy day. and i just wanted to just go upstairs, scream and go to sleep. but i went over to my mirror, planning on criticizing myself more probably, and saw the verse i'd written on my mirror about a year ago. it was, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philipians 4:6-7. and then I smiled.

also, this is on my mirror. i saw it, and felt a heck of alot better. it doesn't matter how crappy my day was, i feel like if i just chill out, and think about how much God really loves me, flaws and all, then i can just smile and be happy. and i'll try to remember this thought on all my other days. sometimes it's not easy but hey. whatevaa.

music is what keeps me going.

showchoir competitions begin so soon. i have my first one from february 19th until the 22nd. we're going to nashville. i'm really excited, but also super stressed. thoughts go through my head like, "i know i'm going to mess up, i'm going to be kicked out, i'm going to ruin all our chances.." but then i remember, music is the gift that God gave to me. I don't need to worry and fret about it... I just need to be prepared. singing is one of the only things that i enjoy doing these days, and i couldn't thank God enough for creating musical abilities all over this world.. our voices can be so beautiful when we use them the right way, :)

well here goes nothing.

i haven't blogged in such a long time. the last time i wrote a blog, i believe i was in 6th grade. it sounds dumb, but i used to all the time then. but life got so busy, i didn't believe blogging would be necessary. but since many of my friends have blogs, i figured i'd give it a try again. we'll see how it plays out.