retreat,

i think it got me back on track.... i'm not perfect and i won't ever be... but God made me this way for a reason. and pulling myself away from the negativity and crap in my life, is what i intend to do. starting..... now. thank you God for finally speaking to me again, it's been a while.

i'm ready for school to start.

i feel so wierd saying that, but i'm so ready.

i suck

at maintaining this blog.
how about you just talk to me to see what i'm up to.
peace & love, BYE

at the end of april, i was at an all time high in my walk with God. then, all of a sudden, something that was so dear to me was snatched away and i feel as in my faith has been slowly drifting away. (disclaimer: don't read to far into that. it's not what you think.) i used to get so excited to go to youth group and worship God for a long time, i never wanted worship to end. but now, i've began to second guess even going to youth group. sometimes, i get my things and leave & then come back near the end, for stephen's sermon. i can't focus during worship anymore. i try. i try so hard. but i just can't. recently, i've been doing things i know i shouldn't. again, don't read too far into that. but, i know the things i do are wrong, but i keep doing them. i do things against my God, and don't even think twice. why am i doing this to myself? i know i'm young, and teenagers make mistakes. but i don't want a mistake to ruin my life. i want to be close to God again. i want to feel him moving in my heart again. i want to feel him working in my life again. why did it go away? why can't i happily praise my God anymore? i don't know what's wrong with me. i just want things to go back to the way they used to be.

ps. so sorry this is so scrambled and negative. had to get it out.

so many

i have so many things that i want to blog about... goodthings, bad things, happy things, sad things. I just don't know how to put my thoughts into words... so i just won't today. i just love my friends and my parents and i want some things to go back to how they used to be.

if i could have one thing...

i would wish for a boy to sing me this song.

what am i doing with my life

when i was a child, all i dreamed about was one day being famous and traveling the world singing in every country on every continent. 16 years of my life, this is all i wanted. all i hoped and wished for... for almost 6,000 days. and since i was 10, i had been planning on going to christopher newport university when i graduated high school, to major in musical theatre. i thought i was sure that this is what i wanted to do. but over the past few months.. i've been second guessing myself on all these dreams. like, how are these dreams even possible. i will never be able to do the things i want to do. the dreams that i have for myself, i can't imagine actually fulfilling them. because that's all they are.. dreams. not reality. i need to stop these dreams.. it's just not logical. and don't get me wrong, i'm not second guessing the "talent" i have, i just know i will never be a famous anything. it just won't happen. BUT i'll also let you know, that i won't end up as a cashier at mcdonalds...... God has another plan for me. i know he does. somewhere..