oh hey.

Oh hey.. I miss this blog. I don't really know what to say. My life is completely different, and I'm a completely different person. But I'm happier than I've ever been. And that's all. :)

Well. Bye bye jeep. I love you even though you blew up on 288 at night. I guess it wasn't your fault.. it was like watching them towaway my best friend..

swimming in an ocean of mixed emotions at the moment.

i don't know how many of you know this about me, but for the past 4 years i've been desperately searching facebook to see if my brother has one. i would literally search his name every 2 weeks, wishing that i would see his face. well today, i searched his name, and i found him. i finally found my brother on facebook. i have always wanted to find him... but now that i finally did. what am i supposed to do? send him a message that says. "oh hey i know we haven't talked in 9 years but i'm your sister!!" heck no. and i can't randomly add him. no no no i never expected to actually find him. what kept me going was the thrill of the chase.. but now that i've finally achieved what i was waiting for... i have no idea what to do. i learned some things about him though, obviously i had to stalk a little bit to see if he's changed. well, he has a daughter (which i knew, i just haven't met her yet.) But i learned something about him that he swore would NEVER happen. He got married in May. a whole 7 months ago, and no one had the decensy to tell my father. Allen doesn't even know yet. I'm scared to tell him. But what you all may not know about my brother is that he has been against marriage for as long as i can remmeber. he told my dad he would never get married or have children. And he did both. Another thing about him, he looks EXACTLY like my dad. Bald head and everything. I also found his wife, she's goregous. Then I thought, maybe I should message her, she looks sweet! But i can't do that either. Like if i randomly got a message from some high school girl saying that she was related to my husband, i don't know what i'd do. This is alol just too much for me right now. I'm stressing myself out for no reason i just don't know what to do. I wanna talk to my mom but she's in lynchburg with her sisters, and my dad is out of town with his band. I just wish i had never started my search for Ryan. Because now that I found him, i don't even want it anymore.

ding dong ding dong...

well winter chorus festivals and concerts are officially over. i am kind of sad because it was my best friend's last winter concert with me. :( yikes my seniors are leaving so soon it feels like.. but ANYWAY, i love my chorus family! i wish i had pictures but i'm dumb and forgot my camera.... yeaah. i have so many things to talk about but i am so sleepy.

oh hey

GCN is going well. making new friends and just relaxing, i'm enjoying every second of it. i love my elmo suit as well... theres not much really to say except for that i find the most comfort in telling my secrets to an 8th grader at the moment, haha. well love you all but we are decorating the tree tonight :)

the craziest thing...

tonight, after i brought my sweet ashley home, i stayed for 2 hours extra to hangout with jessica and to catch up on life. then at around 9ish i decided i should probably leave. and the road from their house to mine is very windy and narrow, so i always drive slow and use my brights. well as i made one of the sharp turns, i SWEAR i saw a girl walk out in front of my car. mind you, i was only going about 30 mph, so i slammed my brakes, legitimately afraid i had just hit a human being. immediately i started to panic. now this may sound dumb to you, but i got out of my car and looked around, but the girl was gone. or there was no girl at all. i am a strong believer in Jesus Christ, so I don't know my view on ghosts or spirits or whatever else, but i can guarentee this girl was not just a figment of my imagination. it literally scared me to pieces and i broke down crying, a car passing by would have thought i was crazy. i turned my car back on and started driving, and i didn't see her again but i felt like at any moment, she would walk out in front of me again. i honestly don't know what to think. i will describe her. she was wearing a faded yellow shirt, jeans, had short brown hair, and thats all i thought i saw. nothing like this has ever happened to me before. did i see a ghost? or am i just an exhausted teenager who watches too many scary movies? i don't know. but i know for sure i saw something. she just walked right in front of me, like she didn't even realize i was coming. it gives me chilly bumps right now. ahhhh i pray this never happens again...

one day

i want to record a christmas album. just for giggles. we got our long dresses today in the acapella choir i'm in today, and the boys got their tuxes. we got to sing in our apparel for the first time, and it was just magical to me. i love christmas music and the joy it brings :)

Yikes.

Christmas is 41 days away!! What deos everyone want as their gift? i'm not kidding... this is my favorite part of christmas. Other than the christmas eve service at WEAG, my favorite part of christmas is giving gifts to my friends and putting a smile on peoples faces. And christmas caroling... and feeding the homeless.. and having pastor hershamn pray over my family. I just can't wait to feel the warmth and love that these holidays bring.. I'm so excited!

it's charlies first christmas :)

hot coffee, lattes, hot chocolate! yum..

Who else is excited?!

i just wanna sing.

for the rest of my life.
that is all.

i wanna go on a roadtrip.

somewhere far far away. i don't know why, but i just want to get in a car and go. maybe to no where, i just want to go. to a place where no one knows me, to a place that the main road is made of dirt. a place where everyone hangs out at the nearest corner store. where i can not care about makeup, or cute clothes, or how my hair looks. i know this place is non existent, but maybe one day i can find a place that is similar to my dream.

and on my roadtrip, i'll be listening to this the whole way there. thanks elsbeth :)

Autumn.

You have completely and utterly stolen my heart.

I love the cold weather, and the changing of the leaves.

The chilly winds may numb my bones,

but it truly warms my heart.

I'm so happy to be able to order pumpkin spice lattes again.

November makes me happy for Christmas time.

When the gigantic tree is put up at Stony Point,

oh I cannot wait.

I love to wear my ugg boots, and my moccasins.

Walking around Richmond with my Northface zipped up,

enjoying time with amazing friends.

It makes me so happy.

being "grounded", and i think i am dying...

Please someone enlighten me on what being "grounded" means. according to allen, it means hiding my keys in his sock drawer (same hiding place since middle school), telling me i can't do anything this weekend, "unless you already invited jessica over", and then he says "no driving on sunday", and this is when donna steps in to say "oh but i don't want to drive her around then, so her punishment should be over by then."

why am i "grounded" you ask?

i get home 7 minutes late last night, because i had a little extra fellowship time at mcdonalds after church. yep.

life is funny, can't wait to see what happens when the rentals get home and see the car has magically moved.. woopsie.

on another note, has anyone ever taken advil on an empty stomach? don't do it... i legitimately feel like i'm dying, and i've taken sooo much advil i'm worried about an accidental over dose... but allen says i'm being dumb. donna of course thinks everything i do is dumb, so it's a lose lose. so goodbye to everyone just incase my addiction (lol) gets me killed.

Hope everyone had a splendid day!

my life,

is a joke. and i love it.
my friends, are my rock.

a side note, i cannot believe that a person i used to call my best friend is absolutely nothing to me now. it's not even by choice. it just kind of... happened. and i gave up trying to figure things out... i guess i just don't care anymore.

the people in my life are there because they choose me, and i choose them. if you don't want to be part of my life, that is fine.

this is really a pointless blog, so thanks for reading it if you did..

retreat,

i think it got me back on track.... i'm not perfect and i won't ever be... but God made me this way for a reason. and pulling myself away from the negativity and crap in my life, is what i intend to do. starting..... now. thank you God for finally speaking to me again, it's been a while.

i'm ready for school to start.

i feel so wierd saying that, but i'm so ready.

i suck

at maintaining this blog.
how about you just talk to me to see what i'm up to.
peace & love, BYE

at the end of april, i was at an all time high in my walk with God. then, all of a sudden, something that was so dear to me was snatched away and i feel as in my faith has been slowly drifting away. (disclaimer: don't read to far into that. it's not what you think.) i used to get so excited to go to youth group and worship God for a long time, i never wanted worship to end. but now, i've began to second guess even going to youth group. sometimes, i get my things and leave & then come back near the end, for stephen's sermon. i can't focus during worship anymore. i try. i try so hard. but i just can't. recently, i've been doing things i know i shouldn't. again, don't read too far into that. but, i know the things i do are wrong, but i keep doing them. i do things against my God, and don't even think twice. why am i doing this to myself? i know i'm young, and teenagers make mistakes. but i don't want a mistake to ruin my life. i want to be close to God again. i want to feel him moving in my heart again. i want to feel him working in my life again. why did it go away? why can't i happily praise my God anymore? i don't know what's wrong with me. i just want things to go back to the way they used to be.

ps. so sorry this is so scrambled and negative. had to get it out.

so many

i have so many things that i want to blog about... goodthings, bad things, happy things, sad things. I just don't know how to put my thoughts into words... so i just won't today. i just love my friends and my parents and i want some things to go back to how they used to be.

if i could have one thing...

i would wish for a boy to sing me this song.

what am i doing with my life

when i was a child, all i dreamed about was one day being famous and traveling the world singing in every country on every continent. 16 years of my life, this is all i wanted. all i hoped and wished for... for almost 6,000 days. and since i was 10, i had been planning on going to christopher newport university when i graduated high school, to major in musical theatre. i thought i was sure that this is what i wanted to do. but over the past few months.. i've been second guessing myself on all these dreams. like, how are these dreams even possible. i will never be able to do the things i want to do. the dreams that i have for myself, i can't imagine actually fulfilling them. because that's all they are.. dreams. not reality. i need to stop these dreams.. it's just not logical. and don't get me wrong, i'm not second guessing the "talent" i have, i just know i will never be a famous anything. it just won't happen. BUT i'll also let you know, that i won't end up as a cashier at mcdonalds...... God has another plan for me. i know he does. somewhere..